My fictional reality :)

My schedule changes everyday according to my mood. I've no absolute routine for doing anything except to have my food on time (as I'm staying in a hostel which requires to follow certain timings). My feelings are inconstant and definitely out of my control. It's weird to even admit the fact that I'm not the same person with everyone. Sometimes I'm the most talkative one that you can find and within a min I'm just not interested to even fake a smile. These characteristics somehow stop me from connecting with others. I've been dealing with such problems since a very young age (12-13 y) and it doesn't feel that bad with the increasing years (to my surprise). But being uncomfortable around the species called human is constant for me. 

It's a continuous fight with my inner self that demands me not to get involved with others. But as I look around me, I find people with smiling faces and confident attitudes towards life. They have friends, they all are creative in their own way, and enjoying life. It makes me feel more detached from everything and I run back to the world of fiction. Novels, cinemas and music are my persistent therapists. They made me who I am today and they have a huge impact on my life. Let me tell you what they have done to me...

There was a time when I started keeping myself away from the world.  A lot of things were troubling me knowingly, or unknowingly. I was in a search of a friend, a true friend with whom I can be myself. The only time I used to go out was when I needed to buy books for my survival. On one such occasion, I decided to go to Crossword (a renowned book store in my town) where I found her - Alaska, Looking for Alaska by John Green. I knew about this book from various Instagram influencers. Daisies are always my favorites and the print was of a half daisy. I didn't think much and bought the book. A book that literally changed my life.

In every page and in every character I found myself. That book had everything that I was craving for, a story about friends, life, mental health, survival and death. Every name tells a different narrative and it felt so personal. I laughed with it, I cried too and the extra special part is, I learnt a lot from it. I found my true mates in the characters of Pudge, Colonel and Takumi and my alter ego was 'Alaska' - "It's from an Aleut word, Alyeska. It means, 'That which the sea breaks against.'". These characters pushed me to live through my grief and my sorrows. They became my best friends and that book became a place where I can find my tranquility in the middle of  all the chaos we know as life. Reding that book felt like I was sitting in the middle of a garden full of daisies with a burning cigarette in my hand and someone played one of my favorite songs, The Paper Kites - Bloom.

Alaska Young, "The haphazard collection of literature". The girl with mysteries and miseries. She was impulsive, complex and very moody. She was passionate yet placid. Miles (Pudge) never really get too nosy but he wanted to understand Alaska, to know her inside out - "Sometimes I don't get you", Miles said. Without even looking at him she replied, "You never get me, that's the whole point." Nobody knew about her, the stories she hides, the reason behind her hesitation to get emotionally involved with someone and the reason for her impetuous actions. When the entire Culver Creek was preparing their vacation for thanksgiving and leaving for home, Alaska manipulated Miles to stay in Creek with her, because she didn't want to go home, like every other vacation, she decided to be alone. When she was asked about the reason she said, "I'm just scared of Ghost, Pudge. And home is full of them."  I could relate to these lines, I could feel her. It was surprised to know that there is someone who looks at everything the way I do. And it wasn't someone whom I know from my school or neighborhood, it was the protagonist from a book, and I'm stuck in here, forever.

Dr. Hyde and his religion classes, something that inspired me in real. His philosophy, perspective and way of living was something that changed a lot of things in me. He encouraged me to think about life, it's meaning and death. On one of his classes when he was giving lecture on entertaining introduction to Zen, he said, "Everything that comes together falls apart" It has a deep meaning, it made me think of all the connections and relationships I've with people, it's nothing but collecting the memories together because there is nothing constant and the only thing we will carry with us is the memories, the fading memories. I was never fond of reading about religion but Dr. Hyde's classes made me realize that religion is nothing but the practice of your faith, it's a way of leading an organized life through beliefs and stories and to have a controlled life that helps someone to be civilized. 

I was not planning on writing about this book in particular but when I started this blog, I couldn't think of anything else because of the impact this book has left on me. There are many other stories, protagonists and films that I love and every time I find myself being tired and frustrated of the unflappability of life, I seek solace in them. Reality is harsh, it's often dispiriting. People are scary, they want to suck the life out of you. But the fictional characters, they never disappointed me. Literature, art and music are something that talks for me when I don't even know what I'm feeling inside. That's the magic of it, the enduring relationship that exists in the generation of one-night-stands. This is the way I try to survive in a world full of people with masks. I live in my fictional reality where people are trustworthy, they don't hurt and life is actually beautiful. Where death is as alluring as falling in love. Where I can be myself without the worry of getting judged by someone. I'm happy in my fictional reality.