Self-Doubt or Self-Development?

I've changed two corporate companies in the last eight months. Started with an internship, moved on to full-time; technically my first job. In this time, I’ve shifted between three major cities, meeting countless people along the way. Yet, I never once felt settled. Each move- from city to company to new apartments with different colored curtains- has pushed me towards this idea of a better life, one where I feel complete. But it's also triggered drastic changes in me.

I often wonder, have those changes been for the better or worse? I used to be that girl so full of life, always eager to explore new cities, try out new cafés, meet new people, and make memories. Now, I’m quieter, more withdrawn, focused solely on my work. I rush home from the office just to savor a cup of Bournvita, enjoying my own company with slow music or a movie. I’ve become a lot more content with solitude, avoiding much social involvement.

My colleagues have started to notice. They complain that I don’t put effort into building friendships after work, and that I’m boring when it comes to planning meet-ups. And to be honest, they’re not wrong. The truth is, I’ve distanced myself from the friends I’ve made at work. The big question I keep asking myself is, why? Why have I become so different, so numb, so unbothered?

I’ve watched corporate life up close, and it’s wild how people can talk trash behind each other’s backs, only to greet each other every morning with big, fake smiles. I’ve seen them insult each other under the guise of sarcasm or "just having fun," tearing people down for simply being themselves. It’s almost routine to witness a group pushing one person into a corner, just because they refuse to engage in that same petty backstabbing. There’s always someone acting like they're helping, when really, they’re just flexing their authority, trying to make someone else feel small.

Then there’s the Instagram posts- you know, the ones preaching kindness and how to treat others- posted by the same people who turn around and are rude the next second to someone they don’t like. People lie about each other just to fit into the group. They hide behind false facades, afraid to admit the truth because being honest might get them excluded. And what’s worse is when they laugh at themselves, accepting stupid jokes at their own expense just to stay in the circle.

But me? I’ve always refused to be a part of that. I won’t sacrifice my integrity or self-worth to play along in this charade.

Every time I felt different, cornered, or alone in those moments- when I chose not to join the ranks of the so-called “smart,” “corporate-savvy,” “highly active,” or the ones who supposedly have “team management skills”- I would ask myself, “Could I ever be like them just to fit into corporate life?” “Could I pretend to be cool while someone chips away at my self-respect?” “Could I accept an insult wrapped in sarcasm, or worse, dish it out to someone I know?”

The answer has always been a firm “No.” And I’m not ashamed of it. I’d rather stand alone with my integrity than be part of a group of educated, fake-smart people. At the end of the day, I don’t need to trade who I am just to fit in. I’m okay with not belonging to their version of "success."

For those of you reading this blog and finding yourself nodding along, I want to share how I've been surviving through all of this lately:

1. I believe in myself:
No matter what, I always give my best at work. And when things get tough, I remind myself, "My darling, you’re doing your absolute best, and one day, with God's grace, all of your hard work will pay off!" Instead of listening to negativity or gossip, I pop in my earbuds and tune it all out. I scroll through Pinterest, look at my dream cars, and honestly, it pumps me up and gives me the energy to stay focused on my goals. It’s a small thing, but it works wonders.

2. I talk to myself more than I talk to others:
In the corporate world, trusting people can be tricky. Unless you’re one of the extremely lucky ones, you’ll soon realize that most people are just colleagues, not friends. Mixing your personal life with your professional one can be the worst mistake. Keep your personal space sacred, and don’t let anyone breach it. Trust yourself first before putting trust in others.

3. My priority is my self-respect:
Self-respect is non-negotiable. Never let anyone chip away at it. Choose it over everything. Remember, no one in the corporate world is innocent- they know exactly what they’re saying or doing. So don’t give anyone the chance to question your worth. People say, “Forgive, but don’t forget.” For me, it's more like, "You don't matter enough for me to even consider forgiving you." Keep your boundaries strong.

4. You don’t need friends here. Read that again!
Corporate friendships can exist, but only in healthy environments. If you know things aren’t right, don’t force connections or lean too heavily on so-called "friends" at work. Relationships can shift before you even realize it. Instead, remind yourself of those who truly matter. Those childhood friendships that have stood the test of time, your college crew who weathered every storm, and maybe that online follower who’s watched your evolution over the years- these are your real connections. Keep those relationships alive, no matter what.

5. Work hours are part of life, not your entire life:
Balance is key. Don’t let your work consume your whole world. There’s a life outside those office walls, and it’s up to you to make that world vibrant. Fill it with memories, flowers, new coffee mugs, long chats with strangers on Instagram, watering your plants, cleaning your room, reading books that make you cry, solo shopping, planning trips you’ll never take, scrolling through endless reels, watching stand-up comedy. And most importantly, talk to the people you truly love before you sleep. Those people? They’re the ones who keep you grounded and alive. Make time for them.

This is how I’ve learned to navigate through the madness. It’s not perfect, but it’s my way of finding peace in a world that’s constantly trying to shake it.

Self-doubt is inevitable when you enter the corporate world. Your first job will always feel like the hardest to adjust to, the toughest to fit in. But here’s the thing: use this time to learn as much as possible from the culture around you. Find your peace, no matter what anyone says. Learn when to say “no” if that’s what you need to protect yourself. This phase of life isn’t forever- it’s just a stepping stone where you’ll learn about people, about handling different situations, and most importantly, about yourself.

Through it all, never underestimate your self-respect. Don’t ever feel pressured to be part of a group that makes your inner self uncomfortable. Growth is about becoming a better person first; work and career success will follow. Instead of viewing these moments of doubt as a sign of weakness, see them for what they really are: opportunities for self-discovery. Every bit of uncertainty is a chance to learn, grow, and evolve.

So, embrace the self-doubt, because it’s not just doubt- it’s a sign that you’re learning and developing into something greater. Self-doubt can be reframed as self-development. And that’s where true growth happens.

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